What makes single people stay single?

Many people find relationships, and if that relationship doesn't work out, they find someone else within, say, a year. Then there are others that don't get into a relationship for years. Many years. Maybe the odd interest here and there but nothing solid for a very long time. I am one of those people. So I start to wonder, "Am I normal?" and "What am I doing wrong?" I also have been friends with people who have also been single for a loooong time--both guys and girls. I'm writing this blog post to try to start the conversation on what, if any, is the difference between someone who is able to get into a relationship easily and someone who isn't. The result is, maybe there are some things about myself that I need to change.

I have theories about why some people are still single. These are just my thoughts; I have not confirmed them with any psychologist. (I am also speaking only of heterosexual relationships).

a) Too shy. Living by the motto "nothing ventured, nothing lost" rather than the preferred "nothing ventured, nothing gained". Over-analyzing rather than just asking. Worried that they will say no, so don't even bother trying. Worried too much about making things awkward if you break up. Worried about losing a friendship if it doesn't work out.

b) No flirting. Not even kind-of flirting. Conversations are completely platonic. I think that even some mild flirting makes others of the opposite sex see you in a different light; how you might act with a significant other. If everything is either just small talk or stated as matter-of-fact then it's as good as talking to someone of the same gender.

c) Too private. Never being vulnerable enough to say how you really feel (except to your closest same-sex friends). Never letting friends see the real you. Just putting on a face, just say "fine" when people ask how you are doing.

d) Not confident. Not believing you are worthy of another's affection. Defeated before even trying.

e) Too self absorbed. Not taking enough interest in others. Not asking the deeper followup question. Just listening enough to hear the break in the conversation when you can start talking. Too many sentences with the word "I" and not enough with the word "you".

f) Too non-committal. Only showing up sometimes. Answering only with "maybe". Never giving a firm "yes" or "no". Or worse, bailing after you said you were going. Avoiding signing up in case something better comes along. And then showing up anyway unannounced because there was nothing better.

g) Too unavailable. Hard to get ahold of. Not involved in social media. Takes coaxing to come to social gatherings. No cell phone or a phone that is always off. Doesn't check email or texts very often. Unresponsive to voicemail.

h) Too picky. Dismissing the thought of a relationship before it even starts. Perhaps "the list" for the ideal person very long or very rigid. Perhaps dismissing really great people before they have a chance to show the really cool side of themselves.

i) Girls: too bold, Guys: not enough spine. A very bold and forthright girl can intimidate a guy and even hurt his confidence. And spineless guy doesn't know what he wants or where he's going and will bend to whatever the girl wants. From my observations, girls want a guy who is a confident leader who knows where he's going in life. Someone that a girl can come along side of and join in the adventure.

I see myself in a lot of these points. More than I would like. Step one is recognizing that which may be holding me back. Step two is doing something about it.

Online Dating Rant #2

A while ago I did an online dating website rant. Well, I am still on the websites and I have a couple more comments for you girls who have online profiles. It may come across as harsh but I am really trying to help your odds :-)

1. I'm always amazed at just how many girls describe themselves as "pretty laid back" -- almost all of them. If you have the words "pretty laid back" in the self description section of your profile, do yourself a favour and describe yourself using different words.

2. This one is a little more serious: Please write back. I don't email every girl on the website. I select based on qualities I like in the profile (yes looks, but definitely other things too). When I do write you, it is not a generic form letter, it is a unique email that is tailored to things you have written in your profile. It is read and re-read before the send button is ever pressed. When the email is read by you and there is no response, it sucks. Like I'm not even worthy of a "Sorry I'm just not interested"? I admit I used to not write back to people I wasn't interested in. But after having that done to me enough times, I have vowed to always write back, even if I'm not interested. And it would be really appreciated if you did the same.

Cheers.

P.S. I just want to put in a plug for my new favourite dating website. www.okcupid.com. OK Cupid has better matching capabilities than any other dating site I've been on, free or paid, including eharmony. What's more, it is FREE and it blows Plenty of Fish out of the water (pun somewhat intended).

Christian Nuggets

Over the past year (ie. since the last time I blogged), there have been some things that I have learned, or new thoughts that I've picked out of sermons. You don't have to agree with them, but perhaps they will make you think, as they did me.

1. "What makes you think that suffering in the world is not normal?"
This challenged how I view suffereing. It is something to consider when somebody says "With all the suffering in the world, how can there be a loving God?" Yes ideally we would not have suffering, and people want to "get back" to that ideal, but this world is far from ideal.

2. "Church denominations are fine as long as they are based on non-essentials such as language or a music style...." Ideally the Christian church would not be divided into so many denominations. It makes us look like we can't get along. Ideally the church would be united theologically, and only divided up according to things that are not foundational to our faith.

3. God named Adam. Adam named Eve. It struck me as interesting since people give names to that which they have authority over and responsibility for. I'm following a study by John Piper on manhood and womanhood. The basic jist is that men and women are fundamentally different and the Bible teaches that man is the leader of the wife and family, starting with the first couple. God made Adam first and gives him the assignment to name all the animals. Then God makes Eve out of one of Adam's ribs, and when God presents her to Adam, he names her. God could have named her (remember that He named Jesus--Mary and Joseph did not get that priveledge), but He let Adam name her. To me, the first 3 chapters in Genesis really establish the roles of men and women, particularly in marriage.

Donation Rant

Another rant.

I admit that I am usually cheap and I generally like to hold onto my money. But I do make donations to things that I want to support. And I've learned that making a donation, even a one time donation, automatically gets you signed up to their mailing list.

Keep this in mind: If you make a one time donation to an organization, and get on their mailing list, you will eventually get back the entirety of your donation in the form of letters. And of course this bothers me. (Some organizations have discovered email and send their letters out that way but most use paper letters.)

What really bothers me is that most of the letters I receive are essentially asking for more money. Yes, they use a part of my donation to solicit me for more money. Granted they flower it up with all the great things that are happening in their organization (which is totally fine). But in about paragraph three, you find out why they wrote the letter. I'm almost offended when they ask for more money. Why are you coming to me? Go solicit someone who hasn't given anything yet. I already gave you a donation (or I'm still making donations). If I felt I should give more I would have done it already. It makes me feel like they aren't happy with what I've already given.

So, where possible, I try to make a compromise: I'll make a donation on the condition that I never get any letters asking me for more money.

Flyers

I get them. In fact I get a lot of them. Now I happen to like looking through flyers. I often find them more interesting than the newspapers they come in. So I would rather get flyers than not get flyers. But my goodness I get a lot of flyers! Some places send me two different flyers at different times in the week. Here's the list of flyers for this week:

1. London Drugs
2. Sears
3. Superstore
4. Zellers
5. Future Shop
6. Office Depot
7. The Brick
8. Toys R Us
9. The Bay
10. The Real Canadian Wholesale
11. Petcetera
12. XS Cargo
13. Dodd's Furnature
14.London Drugs (again)
15. AudioTronic
16. Sport Mart
17. Sears (again)
18. Mark's Work Wearhouse
19. Staples
20. Bentley
21. Home Depot
22. Rona
23. Ikea
24. Canadian Tire
25. Rogers Video/Wireless
26. Wearhouse One
27. Thrifty Foods
28. M&M Meat Shop
29. Home Outfitters
30. Save On Foods
31. Shoppers Drug Mart
32. Wal-Mart
33. Michaels
34. The Brick (again)
35. Safeway
36. The Source
37. Blockbuster Video
38. Country Grocer
39. Canadian Tire (again)
40. Rexall

I get two local papers per week. Each one is thick with flyers. Then, in addition to that, I get two separate packages of flyers delivered to my doorstep. There are more flyers than the newspapers can hold! They must be clearcutting mountainsides on my behalf, just to get enough paper to supply me with these flyers. I guess that's what happens when you live in the city.

Online Dating Rant

Dear Girls of online dating websites:

I have seen many of your profiles. And from a guy's perspective I'd like to offer you some tips. Note: this is a rant more than anything else, but it needs to be said.

1) Only sign up once. If you really insist on getting more free time, take your old profile down and put a new one up. When you keep several profiles on the same dating website, you remind me of my friend who always forgot his password (or didn't realize you could log in repeatedly with the same username). He would sign up again and again for online stuff. Don't be like that.

2) State your city (not just "Canada"). We're not all stalkers. We're not going to hunt you down if you state your city. What this will do is help the viewer in finding people that live in the same (or nearby) city.

3) Sign up on a dating website only if you are interested in dating. Don't sign up if you just want to "meet some people in the area". You're on the wrong site.

The next few tips are to do with the pictures you post. Digital cameras are plentiful. Get some pictures taken with a decent digital camera, in the daytime. Remember: put your best foot (or face) forward.

4) Don't post a picture taken with your webcam, late at night, in a dimly lit room. It's amazing how many people think this is acceptable photography. Get up from the computer, go into the daylight and take a picture outside.

5) Don't post a picture of you with your girlfriend and leave it to the viewer to guess which one is you. The worst ones are far away shots of you and a bunch of random people all at a party. You have to have at least one picture where it is a closeup of just you.

6) Don't post a cropped picture where it's obvious that the person you cropped out was a guy, especially if he has his arm around you (it's just tacky--take another picture!).

7) Don't post a picture of just you and another guy that looks like he could be your boyfriend. Even if you put in the caption "Me with my friend", guys will read "Me with my boyfriend". Even if it's your brother, it's just better to avoid those pictures.

8) Don't post a picture with you and a child. The reader will immediately assume it's your own. So unless you're looking for someone that wants an instant family, it's better if you don't post a picture with you and a random kid.

9) Spellcheck.

Thanks for listening and happy online dating.

Sincerely,

Jon

Uncle

I gained a new title today. Through no effort on my part, I became an Uncle....Uncle Jon. It reminds me of a series of books :-)

On an unrelated note, it is also my 1 year anniversary at my job. Yay that.

On another unrelated note, it is also the 150th Birthday of B.C.

Busy day.

Mail

The previous owners of the townhouse in which I now reside, moved out and didn't tell a soul. As a result, I still get their mail, and I get a lot of it. Everything from bills to gov't cheques, I get it all....And I write "Moved, Return To Sender" and put it back in the mailbox, again and again. It's been 9 months now and I'm still receiving on average 3 pieces of their mail per week.

Wing Hong Chau, if you're out there...I'm still getting your mail. Canada Post would be happy to forward your mail to your new address for a modest fee. Please Mr. Chau, I'm getting tired of this.